'Jersey Shore' Recap: I, Like Snooki, Just Want to Go Home

We're nearing the end of our vicarious Miami vacation with the Jersey Shore kids, and, like the end of a real vacation, there's a sense of relief. Sure, we had some good times, but like any vacation with a group of people who mostly hate each other and have no higher purpose keeping them together than the desire to get drunk and punch (sometimes their fists, sometimes their private parts together) it felt forced and dishonest. And, more often than not, intolerably dull.

All the more disappointing: Tonight, as the Metropole ("not stripper pole") residents should have been living it up on their last nights of partying in Miami, as they should have been striving toward legally insane levels of drunken debauchery to really go out with a bang, they did the opposite, and brought forth their most boring episode yet. I mean, the most interesting part of the hour was the super-embarrassing Burger King commercial in which a lady EMT attempted to rhyme about a breakfast sandwich. I used to get pissed that the Jersey Shore kids get paid so much money per episode because it is insane to pay someone that much money to get wasted and hook up. Now I'm even more pissed because it's even more insane to pay someone that much money to sit around and cry. At least that first one was entertaining. This is just one big commercial break. I mean, honestly, NOTHING happened.

Here's what happened (NOTHING):

Megan Fox Melania Trump Melissa George Melissa Howard